Not 'bad' enough... (a story of pain to purpose)
Last year I was given the opportunity to give a talk at the launch of an event called Pain to Purpose. Hosted by my wonderful friend Vanessa of Grow Friday, the whole focus of this event was to vulnerably share our stories of pain through to purpose.
I felt present once to the energy of this event as New Year 2020 rolled round and I reflected on life, the wins the losses and moments in between…
I decided to take on a deep dive personal development workshop, to challenge the limiting beliefs and blocks that I know still hold me back, things I touched on in that vulnerable stage presentation.
Which brings me back to that moment…
I sat there in the audience, on a chair to the side of the stage waiting for my turn to stand. I was the opening speaker for the main section of the evening that had begun with a series of open mic sessions. People came to the mic to share for 10 or 15 minutes each, their stories of struggle and their stories of triumph through adversity. There were some really beautiful, painful, powerful recollections. Deep vulnerable sharing.
I distinctly remember thinking, Wow. Who am I to be speaking on this stage as one of the key speakers? My story isn't 'bad enough' to be sharing here!
I still clearly remember those words forming in my mind.
My story isn't 'bad enough', I haven't suffered enough to be standing and sharing here. Who am I to share my pain when it is nothing compared to theirs.
Getting passionate here… the talk was in a dark atmospheric basement venue (hence the low lit shot)
These feelings were still swirling around inside me as I took to the stage to begin my talk and so with honesty and openness, I shared exactly that. I placed my fears on the table.
I shared that these feelings were swirling within me. I shared I didn't think my story of pain was 'bad enough' in comparison. As soon as I said it out loud I smiled and there was some giggles in the room and I laughed as well. We laughed together in the recognition of how silly that sounded out loud.
My struggles, no matter how small they may seem, are worthy of acknowledgement. My 'pain to purpose' story was worthy to share.
It's not a competition to see how 'bad' we've each had it in life. Yet, sometimes in society it feels like that's where we're being pushed towards. There's comparisonitis in every corner about how good our lives can be but there's also the darker comparisonitis of how bad we've had it - like a oneupmanship of the worst kind.
So for those of us, like me, who fall somewhere in the middle, who have struggled with seemingly smaller things in a sea of trauma we see in the news every day, we dismiss our struggles for not being worthy.
For not being 'bad' enough.
We don't ask for help because it's not 'bad' enough to justify someones time and resources. We feel foolish, feeling as though we should be able to sort this ourselves because really in comparison to what some people have been through, it's really not that bad. Suck it up.
And that's the story I've been telling myself for a long, long time.
That's the story that came to a climax in that room as I heard those powerful stories shared before me. And by openly speaking my fears into the room in that moment, I gave myself permission to share my story. I acknowledged my struggles.
I see so much of this repeating in the book I’m currently writing. I'd been stalling for so long in putting my thoughts into words because I didn't think my story was worthy enough to tell. It wasn't 'bad' enough. My pain and struggles are nothing in comparison to what some people go through. So why share it at all? Who would it even help?
Yet, I know there are so many people like me, maybe even the majority, who struggle with these seemingly smaller things, things that on the outside don't seem a big deal. Where the thoughts creep beneath the surface of our minds… who am I to be talking of my pain when so many other people have had it far worse.
But here I am on stage and in my book, talking about my pain.
Talking about my power.
Talking about my struggles.
Talking about my strengths.
Because I know there are so many other people, like me, who sit in the middle of the spectrum with the struggles that they simply don't give credit to. That they dismiss because it's not that 'bad'.